Enhanced – Listen: to the audio article
with Steve Demme
ne fateful April day, I sat slumped in my car looking up through the moonroof. All I could muster was a desperate plea: “O God, help.”
That morning, I had attended a family board meeting where big decisions were being made. As the meeting progressed, I grew more and more uneasy. At one point, I had to leave the room, and as I stood in front of a large vertical window, pain like I’d never experienced began to sweep over me. I leaned against the wall and shook. Deep sobs emerged from within me.
Two of my sons saw my agony and came to hold me, but I put up my arms to keep them away. I stood looking out the window, trying to regain my equilibrium. I felt as though I had just lost my family, my business, and my ministry. I was alone, lost, and without a compass. My world as I knew it had just been shattered.
Finally, I was able to gather myself and walk to my car. I sat, not knowing what to do, and prayed, “O God, help.” As I gazed heavenward, I sensed God looking at me, and this verse ran through my mind:
In retrospect I see that God had arranged this perfect storm of events to unfold in answer to my prayer. A year earlier I had asked God to help me love Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, which Jesus called the first and great commandment. He answered this in ways I never imagined. On the one hand He began revealing His love and affection in new and deeper ways, and at the same time, He began revealing my baggage.
During this season a friend shared an insight into the last two verses of Psalm 139 which made me know I was on the right track. Many of us have memorized this passage:
After going through the five day course, reading Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero, and working with a therapist, I discovered my innermost source of trauma: abandonment. I not only was able to pinpoint what led to my experiencing this pain, I was taught that trauma in the present is often linked to an historical event in the past. After I discovered my issue with abandonment, I remembered my mom had told me my father was a traveling salesman. Each week of the first five years of my life, I had watched him leave our home not knowing when he would return. God had connected the dots and revealed my hurt.
Abandonment, the fruit of my childhood hardship, was hidden deep in my person and I began to see how it was still impacting my relationship with God and my family. Up until this personal awareness, I used to believe that my primary motivation for homeschooling our children was rooted in Deuteronomy 6:7:
I also realized why I did not like to travel by myself. I knew God was leading me to minister at conferences as a speaker, yet during the two days before I was to leave I would be depressed and secretly hoped my flight would be cancelled so I would not have to go, yet once I was on the plane I was okay. Abandonment was the root problem. My wife watched this unfold many times over the years.
When my oldest son was approaching eighteen years old, I was semi-depressed for over a year, for I saw his graduation signifying that my family was beginning the process of leaving me! I could not bear to be abandoned.
Yet God was with me in the struggle and once identified, helped me be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I saturated my mind and heart with passages which declared that God would never leave or forsake me, that He was with me always, and that His name was Immanuel, for He is indeed God with us.
Identifying the root of the pain was the first step. I also became aware that “anxious thoughts” and “ways of pain” can be warning lights similar to those on our car’s dashboard. Anxious thoughts and pain are indicators of needs which must be examined and transformed to find the “way everlasting.”
In today’s culture, I have heard counselors speak of emotional triggers or buttons that are pushed which produce adverse effects. I used to disregard these warning lights and simply keep busy and drown out these emotions. I reasoned that I could do better and redoubled my efforts to quiet them by increased activity—“seeking first the kingdom.”
After I began to address my baggage and be reconciled to my wife and sons, I learned that they had observed and lived through the effects of my baggage and stuff. Sadly I was not able to be safe enough for them to point out my need at the time. Our family knows us better than we know ourselves sometimes.
But God. God, in answer to my prayer, would not let me continue in this destructive cycle. He broke through and was my “guide through the way everlasting.” Now when one of my buttons is pushed, or triggers are activated, or anxious thoughts and pain emerge, I take a deep breath and ask God to search me and uncover the secrets of my innermost being—my heart. He is quick and faithful to answer, but as a Gentleman, needs to be asked before He will come to our aid.
Together, my Heavenly Dad and I have worked through more areas of need, and I now find myself in a special place of rest. God has proven again and again that He is “a very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1, ESV) I can also attest to the veracity of Psalm 34:6, “This poor man cried, and Jehovah heard him and saved him out of all his troubles.”
In the midst of Psalm 56, which describes David being persecuted by his many foes, David writes, “This I know, that God is for me.” The more God has helped me to comprehend His unchanging love and affection for me, the more I am convinced of the same truth. I used to mistakenly believe that I would be loved more and be more pleasing if I performed better. Now I know, deep down in my heart of hearts, that God has my back and is for me. With this comprehension I am convinced that I could be confined to my bed, drooling in a cup, unable to do anything, and God would still look at me and smile. Because of what Jesus has done for me on the cross, my Dad thinks I’m the best thing since sliced manna!!
I love Psalm 145, for it reveals the compassion and kindness of God:
My baggage and trauma had hindered my ability to assimilate this good news, but God, at my request, revealed my ways of pain, and led me in the way everlasting. As He spoke to the believers in Laodicea (Revelation 3:20), He stands knocking at the door of the hearts of His children. He wants to deal with our pain and anxious thoughts. He wants to lead us into paths of full and abundant life, but only we can let Him, for the door opens from the inside.
teve Demme and his wife Sandra have been married since 1979. They have been blessed with four sons, three lovely daughters-in-law, and six special grandchildren. Their fourth son has Down syndrome and lives with them in Lititz, PA. Steve has served in full or part-time pastoral ministry for many years after graduating from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. He is the creator of Math-U-See and the founder of Building Faith Families.