I’m the co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting, an organization that has worked for decades to equip parents with heart-based parenting tools. At the National Center, we focus on building a strong, connected family dynamic, where the parent-child relationship isn’t about reward and punishment, but about shaping the heart. This approach stems from a conviction that character development and spiritual growth are best nurtured in a relationship that’s deeply connected and rooted in love, trust, and mutual respect. I believe that strengthening this relationship must be the first priority in any homeschool.

We All Want to Reach Our Child’s Heart—But What is the Heart?

Traditional approaches to discipline usually rely on managing a child’s behavior with immediate rewards for good actions and punishments for bad ones. While this can produce short-term compliance, it doesn’t address the heart issues behind the behavior, and it doesn’t build a cooperative parent-child relationship. A heart-based approach is transformative because it works beneath the surface.

Consider Jesus’ words in Matthew 15:18, “But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart.” When you think of the heart, think tendencies. Does your child have a tendency to argue, complain, or ignore your instructions? If so, you’re dealing with a heart issue.

When you focus on the heart, you’re not just looking for outward compliance—you’re looking to engage your child’s inner motivations, character, and values. This approach allows you to build a relationship based on guidance and discipleship, not just behavior management.

By working on the root of what’s driving your child’s actions, you can make lasting changes that grow from the inside out. By focusing on the heart, we aim to shape children who live with integrity, kindness, and resilience—qualities that reach beyond academic success. That means you think differently about parenting and certainly develop different parenting strategies to bring about change in your kids.

Let’s start by talking about the Getting Things Done Department. God calls it obedience. You might call it cooperation training. Teaching children to follow instructions is about more than just completing tasks. It’s about building an internal sense of responsibility and obligation. When we teach our children to come when called, we’re doing more than just calling them over—we’re helping them develop an inner voice that says, “I need to.” This mirrors the conscience that God placed inside each child and lays a foundation for internal motivation. The child learns to say, “I need to give up my agenda and come.”

Many children naturally have strong desires to do their own thing. The “I want to” mindset often battles with the “I need to.” This reveals a very important heart challenge. The essence of responsibility is when the “I need to” consistently overcomes the “I want to” in any of our lives. Responsibility training can start as young as three years old. This starts with small actions—like coming when called, whether it’s for schoolwork, chores, or just getting ready to leave the house. Each time a child chooses to give up their own desire, that internal sense of obligation grows and strengthens, forming a habit that will serve them well for life.

A second principle to consider in developing responsibility: focus on how things get done, not just on what gets done. This can be new for children, and even for parents who are used to checking off tasks without much thought to the process. When you emphasize the process, you’re teaching children that character is revealed and developed in how they handle their tasks. It’s not enough to simply complete the assignment or finish the chore; the attitude and approach matter too.

For example, do your children respond with respect when you ask them to do something, or do they grumble and procrastinate? Do they put in effort to do their best, or do they rush through just to be done? Focusing on these aspects of the process teaches them that diligence, respect, and a positive attitude are part of every task, not just optional add-ons. Character is learned in the process as well as the task. And that’s where a heart-based approach shines.

Every child will struggle with things like anger, disrespect, or a lack of focus at times. They’re still learning how to manage emotions, control impulses, and interact respectfully.

Homeschooling is a powerful tool to address these deeper issues because you have time to work on character, not just tasks. As parents, it’s essential to have a plan for guiding them back on track. Some parents make the mistake of thinking that correction is all about consequences, but effective correction goes beyond that—it’s about training.

A heart-based approach to correction doesn’t just focus on stopping the wrong behavior; it aims to help children develop the skills they need to handle difficult situations better in the future. For example, if a child struggles to accept a “no” answer, they don’t just need a consequence—they need practice at handling disappointment or living within limits. When a parent anticipates this challenge and plans for it, they can create teachable moments that build resilience and self-control.

Let’s explore this example a bit more. When some children hear the word “no,” they respond with frustration, repeated requests, or even anger. This can be challenging for both the children and the parents, but it’s also a great opportunity to practice handling disappointment—a skill needed not just for now, but for the rest of their lives.

Try this approach: When your child asks for something, prompt them with, “Are you ready for both a yes answer and a no answer?” This simple question prepares them mentally for either outcome and reinforces the idea that “no” is sometimes a possibility. If the answer is no, and they show signs of frustration, guide them by saying, “You can say, ‘I’m disappointed, but I’ll be okay.’” Over time, this practice can help them develop an internal script to handle disappointments with maturity.

Children who learn to accept “no” develop resilience, learning that they won’t always get what they want, but they can handle it. This training is far more effective than simply enforcing a consequence when they react poorly to a limit. It builds an internal strength that equips them for the real world, where disappointments are inevitable.

Focus on practicing doing right, not just punishment for doing wrong. Most children need practice controlling their reactions, speaking respectfully, or focusing on a task. For example, children who frequently get frustrated with a sibling might need help identifying and practicing calmer responses rather than just being punished every time they lose their temper. Once they have a plan, then sending them back in to play with their sibling provides them with the arena necessary to work their plan.

Character development is a process. We define character as: A pattern of thinking and acting in response to a challenge. An organized person thinks and acts differently than an unorganized person. A patient person thinks and acts differently than an impatient person. Empowering children with a plan and then giving them opportunities to practice it strengthens the heart for the next time.

In the years I’ve worked with families, I’ve seen countless parents testify to the power of this approach. Their children aren’t just learning the core subjects—they’re learning to value their family relationships, to act from the heart, and to grow in character. These children have a unique advantage because their education is built on a foundation of character development and spiritual training.

The rewards of homeschooling go far beyond academics. By focusing on building a strong parent-child relationship, you’re laying a foundation that will impact your child’s heart, character, and life-long relationship with God. Homeschooling is a calling, one that allows you to shape not only your children’s intellect, but also their faith and values. And a heart-based approach is a way to fulfill that calling with intention and grace.

In this classroom, the first lesson we teach children has to do with the working relationship with others, including parents. This is a lesson that will last a lifetime.

cott Turansky, PhD, works with homeschool families every week, helping parents address the negative patterns children develop. He’s a professor at Concordia University where he teaches the Master’s Level Parenting Course. He also trains Biblical Parenting Coaches to work one-on-one with families. He’s the author of 15 books on parenting including Parenting is Heart Work. You can learn a lot more about challenges such as ADHD, ODD, Emotional Explosiveness and a host of other challenges at his website: www.biblicalparenting.org.