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er big brown eyes welled up with tears. Our oldest child was six. She was learning to read, but we were at a point where she was frustrated and I had insisted that she keep going. I told myself when we decided to homeschool that if my young children indicated to me that they were feeling done with a lesson, I wouldn’t push. I wanted them to love learning, and I knew pushing would not end well because pressure snuffs out learning.
Nonetheless, here I was, acting out of fear and bringing our young daughter to tears. I never forgot that day, and as we added seven more children to our family, my resolve grew stronger to let this learning thing begin and continue naturally, following their cues. Often that meant they weren’t doing some things as quickly as I would have liked, but I knew that I needed to trust whatever natural course seemed a good fit for each of them. I found that when kids are ready, learning can often happen so quickly that it’s hard to keep up!
This is something I refused to do. We gently started into bookwork when I could see that our children seemed ready. We kept things simple, but we were consistent in math, reading, and writing. We were easily finished with “bookwork” by lunchtime, and after a rest, the kids had three or so hours of playing, exploring, and experimenting with the world around them.
Mr. Rogers was right when he said, “Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.” Play is a very important part of the development of cognitive, socio-emotional, and physical behaviors and is foundational for higher learning. It’s something that children have been doing for centuries, but it’s becoming scarce in this generation of children. I was determined not to let that happen to our family.
Throughout our kids’ elementary years we continued to keep the basics consistent. History and science were subjects they explored on their own as they were interested. We had lots of good books always accessible to them. Sometimes we would buy things at yard sales that they could take apart and put back together. We had many conversations with our kids, so my husband and I knew what each of their interests were, and we would pick up things here and there we thought they would enjoy. Our kids may not have been doing copious amounts of bookwork, but they were learning far more than even we realized.
By middle school, some of our kids asked for a science or history curriculum and we would, of course, oblige. We also reminded them regularly that when they got into high school they would be responsible to meet the requirements to graduate. We would support them and provide what they needed, but we wouldn’t nag them or hold their hand through the process. We made it clear that when they received their diploma, they would have earned it.
From the beginning, we encouraged our kids to own everything they did, whether it was schoolwork, chores, or daily choices. Teaching responsibility is a process, but it is definitely a worthy goal. We often included them in the planning aspects of these areas as well. We asked them things like, “What is something you’ve always wanted to learn about?” or “Is there anything you’d like to change about your day?” Of course, we never abdicated our position as parents, but we were intentional about both helping our kids own their lives and keeping relationship with them. To us it was about so much more than making ourselves or others feel good about what we were doing, although that could be tempting! It was about engaging our kids both relationally and educationally. Relationship and character must trump bookwork, and sometimes this feels really messy and more like a leap of faith.
Kids learn and retain so much more when they are engaged, and for some reason, our kids seemed to engage more readily when we took a mostly hands-off approach. Whenever we would start to participate too much in something they were working on by making too many suggestions, they lost interest. We spent a lot of time encouraging and simply taking an interest in what they were doing. This seemed to be a great fit for our family, and I noticed that most of the time we had a good rhythm to our days and could see our kids thriving.
If there is one thing I’ve learned when it comes to homeschooling kids, it’s that they each have their own internal clock for learning, and the best way to create a healthy environment to encourage a love for learning is to s l o w down. We can’t pack our days with too many things on the agenda. We need to create margin in our routines. It’s crucial that our kids have time to think their own thoughts, to be bored and have to think of things to do, to dream and to connect with their families, friends, and the world around them.
As parents, we are often filled with worry about whether or not we are doing enough, when the reality is that kids are essentially natural learners. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out how that happens best for each child. Homeschooling makes that possible, as long as we don’t allow ourselves to be derailed by comparisons and unreasonable expectations. We need to trust and respect our children’s innate desire to learn and remember that warm, loving, responsive parents are highly effective teachers. I’m afraid that many parents are underestimating the value of those God-given gifts.
urenda Wilson is a home-schooling mom of eight (born 1991 through 2004), seven of whom have graduated. She has been married for 32 years to Darryl, and they have 9 grandkids. Durenda has written The Unhurried Homeschooler, Unhurried Grace for a Mom’s Heart, and The Four Hour School Day. She is the owner/writer/host of her blog and podcast, Durenda Wilson, and mentors moms at simplyunhurried.com. She also enjoys speaking at events where she can encourage homeschool moms to think outside the box and homeschool in a way that is a great fit for their families!