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Jennifer Cabrera
“It’s just three sentences! Rewrite them correctly and you will be finished with your work. It won’t take you more than ten minutes. Please, get up and do it now.” I begged through the crack in the door. My nine-year-old was sprawled across the bed, facedown, a puddle of outrage, defiance, and defeat.
his wearying situation plays out in many homeschool households each day. On the surface it seems to be a simple test of will; a child’s need to escape expectations vs. the parents’ need for control.
Sadly, the contest of who can throw the bigger fit ensues and the competition is often followed by guilt and giving in on the part of the parent.
If our children would just do what we ask… when we ask… exactly how we ask… and without letting their wants and feelings clash with our own, all would go swimmingly instead of drowning in a whirlpooling stand-off of appetites and emotions.
Children are thinking the same thing when they throw a fit… If parents would just let us do what we want… when we want… exactly how we want… without letting their wants and feelings get in our way….all would go… Probably off the rails, but you get the idea.
Though the creativity and delivery of the fit being thrown may vary, the basic steps are roughly the same for both parent and child. Recall the last time you came to an embarrassingly immature standoff with your child and reflect upon these steps from both yours and your child’s point of view.
How to Throw a Fit:
Impulsively overreact to obstacles blocking your personal desires without a full understanding of the situation or what is being asked of you.
Child: Glances at stack of worksheets (or number of book pages expected to read) and immediately throws hands and 2nd breakfast in the air, whining in protest of the unfairness and hopelessness of the task.
Parent: Instantly incensed by child’s disruptive behavior, yells at child to “Calm down or go to your room!”
Double down theatrically on your beleaguered emotional stance and refuse to take a step back and see things from another point of view.
Child: ‘But it’s too hard! It’ll take forever! It’s not fair! I’m not doing it. EVER!” Runs to room and faceplants on bed.
Parent: Continuing to yell, “Oh really! Well, don’t come out of there until you can apologize for upsetting everyone else’s day!” Spills coffee in lap and shreds abandoned worksheets.
Stalemate, retaliate, bully, or call for back up. Lock horns at an impasse, take cheap shots, and force others to choose sides.
Parent: Ignores wails and destructive noises rumbling down the hall while calculating the future punishments stacking up. Or…Lets other children watch TV and cancels afternoon activities out of spite and defeat. Calls spouse, “Come home and deal with YOUR kid!”
Shame and estrange. Let guilt build into an alienating and intractable family split.
Child: Peaks out of bedroom door to see if anyone is succumbing to their antics. Wants to come out but dares not be the one to cave. If seen peering out for relief from own self-destruction, slams door and rages on. Or… falls asleep, exhausted from their own hostility and anxiety.
Parent: Paces hall stopping to listen at child’s door. Wonders and worries if acted rashly and harshly. Dares not show weakness and cave first. When caught loitering by the door, makes snarky remark, “You ready to apologize and stop acting like an animal?” leaving no chance of a white flag moment.
All that stood between us and a free-to-frolic afternoon were three simple sentence corrections, and I wasn’t going to let those stand in our way.
When in a difficult situation, an argument, or when insulted or snubbed, I’ve tried to teach my boys to be the bigger person. The bigger person stays calm, reacts maturely, separates themself and regroups, then addresses the situation honestly and respectfully.
“Kill ‘em with kindness,” I repeated to them straight from my own mother’s mouth to me over the years. When a person is ready to throw down, calm calculated kindness can throw them off guard better than matching their aggression. Plus, it gives the other person a way out of the mess they’ve created and everyone a chance to walk away, relationships rescued.
But we must practice what we preach. When a child throws a fit, a parent exploding in defense, retaliation, frustration, or despair is simply throwing an equivalent adult tantrum.
Parents, as much as we want to erupt right alongside our fuming offspring, we must model how to be the bigger person.
- To fix or put into place.
- Cause to join together to form a whole.
- Agreement or harmony.
- In good health.
How to Throw a Bigger “FIT”
Listen to the words embedded in the initial fury. What is really upsetting them? Outbursts are the exhaust venting from a deeper issue such as feeling overwhelmed, confused, inadequate, tired, hungry, or lazy.
Tit for tat is childish and fuels the wrong kind of fit. Do not engage or reciprocate. Breathe. Give each other space to calm down and an open door to take back impulsive comments.
Colossians 3:21 — “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”
Teach humility and model control. Empower your child by showing their ability to affect the direction of their day and those around them.
Proverbs 16:32 — “Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.”
Respect their frustrations and explain that everyone gets angry and loses their cool. But we must own up to and repair any damage we make. Explain expectations, apologize, forgive, and reconnect as soon as possible.
Proverbs 29:15 — “A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.”
Isaiah 54:4 — “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth.”
1 Corinthians 10:13 — “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
All that stood between us and a free-to-frolic afternoon family peace were three simple sentence corrections accountability and a lesson on Christian character and fortitude, and I wasn’t going to let those stand in our way.
ennifer Cabrera is a physician assistant/MPH who left medicine to homeschool her three sons, two of which are graduated and studying electrical engineering and professional aviation at university. Jennifer is the writer, speaker, author and homeschool advocate behind HifalutinHomeschooler.com and strives to offer truth, encouragement, and humor to new and seasoned homeschool parents. Jennifer co-hosts The Homeschool Solutions Show podcast, is a speaker with Great Homeschool Conventions, and has written for the Epoch Times. Her publications include the humorous language arts series: Gross-Out Grammar & Revolting Writing and Socialize Like a Homeschooler; A Humorous Homeschool Handbook.