you’ve been parenting for more than two years, you’ve undoubtedly experienced at least one meltdown of epic proportions. I know I have more times than I can count! Picture this: You’re in the middle of Target, your child spots that toy they’ve “always wanted,” and you, the villain of the day, dare to say no. That’s it—their last straw. They crumple to the floor, flailing, screaming, and suddenly, all eyes are on you. Your face flushes, and you’re left with a split-second decision: Do I scoop them up and make a mad dash for the car, abandoning my half-full cart? Do I try to calm them down right there? Or do I just start flailing on the floor beside them? If I’m being honest, I often landed somewhere between option two and three!

The topic of big emotions is a hot one in parenting, but you can navigate these intense moments in a way that truly fosters emotional intelligence, strengthens family bonds, and leads to a more peaceful and productive home environment. We’ll delve into the fascinating science behind these emotional eruptions, explore real-life strategies I’ve used as a mom, nana, and child development specialist, and hopefully help you feel much more confident the next time your little one falls apart in a massive way.

Let’s start by peeking into the science behind big emotions. There’s a saying I absolutely love that perfectly captures it: “They are not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time.” Seriously, feel free to script that on your bathroom mirror with lipstick. It’s a lifeline during those meltdown moments!

We know that so much crucial brain development happens in the early years, and it’s vital to remember that emotional regulation isn’t something children are born with; it develops over many, many years. The brain is a truly fascinating organ, and for simplicity, we can think of it as having two main parts involved in emotions:

• The “Upstairs Brain” (Prefrontal Cortex): This is the logical part, responsible for decision-making, planning, and impulse control. It’s the part that helps us think before we act.
• The “Downstairs Brain” (Amygdala): Often called the emotion center, its primary job is to help us react quickly to perceived danger. It’s the “fight, flight, or freeze” response.

In young children, when big emotions erupt, it means their “downstairs brain” has temporarily taken the wheel. Meltdowns and intense feelings aren’t just normal; they’re necessary parts of growth. These moments are actually fabulous teaching opportunities for us parents! Remember, a child’s behavior is always communication. When we see those big emotions, our children are communicating that they’re overwhelmed, tired, hungry, or perhaps feeling a lack of control. Our job, then, is to get curious about the root cause and support them as they learn to regulate, helping those emotions move back upstairs.

When big emotions take over, the first step is to try naming their feelings without judgment. You might try statements such as: “I see you’re feeling really frustrated right now,” or “It looks like you’re very angry.” You could even say, “I notice those big emotions, and I want to help you with them.” These types of validating words are like a soothing balm; they help your child feel seen, heard, and understood, which is the very first step to calming that “downstairs brain.” It’s called co-regulation—your calm helps them find theirs. Often, when our children have big emotions, our own nervous system also starts to ramp up. If that’s the case, try taking six deep breaths, get down on their level, and use a calm voice. Avoid saying things like, “You need to get over this,” or “You need to calm down.” I’m pretty sure no one in history, young or old, ever actually calms down when being told to calm down!

Here are some other powerful parenting approaches to remember during those times of big emotions:

Connection Before Correction: One of the most beautiful things about parenting is the opportunity we have to teach children that they are safe, emotionally and physically. When we prioritize connection during a meltdown, it gives our children permission to be their true selves and helps their dysregulated brain begin to regulate. So, before you start correcting or lecturing, offer a hug, sit near them, make eye contact, and use a calm voice, saying, “I’m here with you,” and “I love you.”

Setting Boundaries with Empathy: Emotions are always okay, but all behaviors are not. For example, “It’s okay to be angry, but it’s not okay to hit.” Or, “You can stomp your feet, but we don’t throw toys.” Validating feelings does not mean permissive parenting; it should always be done within clear boundaries. This provides safety and structure while still respecting their emotions, and it ultimately helps your children learn self-control and healthy coping skills. I think the hardest part of this is remaining calm yourself while clearly stating the boundary and offering an alternative to the unwanted behavior. Try: “You can stomp your feet on the rug or tell me with your words how you’re feeling.”

Problem-Solving Together (Once Calm): After the storm has passed and the “upstairs brain” is back online, discuss what happened and how to handle it differently next time. Keep it simple. Young children can’t handle long lectures. Using phrases such as, “What could we do differently next time you feel that angry?” “How can we fix what happened?” or “What do you need when you feel that way?” helps children feel empowered and encourages them to take responsibility for their emotions and actions.

Ideally, you’ll be able to anticipate a lot of these meltdowns after spending some time intentionally observing your children’s behavior. Start noticing patterns: Do big emotions often arrive when they’re hungry or tired? Are they melting down as you’re trying to hurry them out the door, or perhaps when they’re struggling with a new concept like learning to read? I always suggest parents keep a journal or notes on their phone to help them identify these patterns.

Many children are actually triggered by a lack of structure in a home. This is why I suggest you have a predictable routine and rhythm. Again, flexibility is key, so don’t overdo it with a strict schedule. Just try and do the basic things in the same order each day. “We get up, we potty, brush our teeth, make our bed, have some breakfast in our jammies, get dressed, and so on.” This predictability is incredibly calming for young children.

One of my favorite tools for helping children during a meltdown is finding a cozy spot for them to be alone and safely express their feelings. I encourage you to create a “calm-down corner” with soft pillows, maybe a weighted blanket, books about feelings, and some calming toys. I also include magazines for ripping and popsicle sticks for breaking in my cozy area to give children appropriate, tactile outlets for releasing those big emotions. It truly helps children to be able to get away from sensory overload during their meltdown. It also gives you a space where you know they will be safe during this time of dysregulation.

It’s important to remember that parents get frustrated too, and if that happens, make the effort to intentionally reconnect with your child. Offer a hug, a genuine smile, and ask for forgiveness. Acknowledge that you felt frustrated and had your own big emotions during that time. Ask your child how they think you can make things better. Involve them in the repair process. I remember asking a young adult who had been homeschooled what made the biggest impact on her. She said it was actually having a mom who was willing to ask for forgiveness when she messed up. Children need to hear us take responsibility for our behavior too.

Parenting children through their big emotions isn’t an easy task; it’s hard work, and you won’t be perfect. After thirty years of parenting, I am still learning! Give yourself grace, and model self-compassion to your children. Hopefully, these tools will help guide you during those emotional storms. You are making an invaluable investment in your child’s well-being, their emotional intelligence, and your family’s harmony. As I type this, my heart is full of gratitude for having parented my children this way. And I promise, a profound and lasting connection with them is your reward as well, as it has been the greatest gift of mine.

athy Eggers is the award winning author of The Homegrown Preschooler, A Year of Playing Skillfully and more. She has been dedicated to the well-being of children and their families for over 25 years. As a former teacher and administrator, Kathy has extensive experience in the field of early childhood education and is a child development specialist. Kathy is a homeschooling mom to 8, a bonus mom to 2, and Nana to 6.

Kathy enjoys sharing her journey of imperfect motherhood, inspiring others to parent intentionally and authentically. Kathy‘s journey has equipped her to share a range of life experiences, such as the power of play, connecting with people of all ages & stages, and parenting through difficult seasons. If you enjoy Kathy’s articles, check out her podcast, Play Skillfully and follow her on social media at PlaySkillfullywithKathyEggers.