Of course, homeschooling can’t be all fun and games, cocoa and stargazing, art and animal husbandry. Sigh. (Somewhere a new homeschooler is turning to her husband in a panic… “See? I told you we needed to get a goat or some chickens!”)

We also must cover the three R’s of learning like the experts suggest: reading, ‘riting, ‘rithmatic. Right? (Oh the ‘rony. Snort.)

If we hope to raise adults who can argue logically, decipher ancient runes such as cursive handwriting, possibly do their own taxes, and change a toilet paper roll correctly, we must do the things that aren’t always fun. And that means math, grammar, and chores.

We all know the difficult and boring subjects can take threats, bribery, and coercion on the hard days. Especially as the kids get older, math gets meaner, sighs get louder, and their arguments get more clever. “No son, I’ve never used the Pythagorean theorem at the grocery store, but it’s part of your education… Because I said so, that’s why.”

The job of a homeschool parent is heavy at times. Okay, all the time. It’s always heavy. Like a neon sign strapped to our shoulders, flashing over our heads: “Place all blame here.” And because of this we can’t just check off academic bullet points and put the kids back on the shelf until we’re ready to show them off at spelling bees and farmers’ markets.

But I don’t want to be heavy all the time! (I stick out my bottom lip and reach for something chocolate.) This homeschool gig is supposed to bring us closer together as a family. It’s the more natural, relaxing way to educate children in safety and comfort.

So why do we sometimes want to hide from our kids? And they from us?

Perhaps we could lighten up and take ourselves less seriously. If so, what magic might happen? And how do we lighten up when there is so much pressure and so little time to prove to the world—and skeptical relatives, friends, and strangers—that we aren’t ruining our kids?

Lecturing to your kids at full attention in assigned kitchen chairs, with all questions asked via raised hands held until Mrs. Mom puts down her dry-erase marker is just ridiculous.

Stop. Repeat after me. “I (state your name) am a control freak.” Okay maybe not, but you are likely brainwashed. No, that’s not nice either. You are simply trying to compete.

Our society has educational methods and expectations that we worry we must follow to produce functional and equally competitive students in the real world. Yet, by homeschooling, aren’t we saying no to those expectations and that we want a better way? It takes some homeschool parents longer to realize that they are copying the very structure they fled and expecting different results.

Part of homeschooling is realizing that the most useful knowledge and experience is often gained on the days that look the least like school.

Homeschooling isn’t blasting your kids with bullet-pointed presentations and lectures. That structure builds a chasm, like an orchestra pit separating you from your kids stuck sitting, bored, and idle. Don’t just throw facts and ideas at them from your podium like koozies and promotional junk, hoping they catch a few bits and find a need for them.

Instead, invite them onto the stage of learning. Humble yourself and admit you don’t know everything. Tap into more effective ways of living and learning together by dropping the ruse that you know all.

Bonus: Learning together cuts your prep time considerably.

The research to prepare a lecture is where the learning is. Don’t rob the kids of the opportunity. Let them get up and look things up. Do the experiments first. Then use the curiosity that follows to find out the why. Don’t just tell them why.

You are not only modeling how to learn, but the fact that learning never ends. The tension to perform and spew knowledge at your kids—and for them to regurgitate it—will lessen. Your relationship will improve because you are no longer acting as gatekeeper, but rather as facilitator and partner. Let them see you mess up and keep trying. And if you really want to go rogue and instill confidence, let them teach you.