Our mistakes give us the experience needed to navigate adulthood, therefore, resist the temptation to calm the seas to smooth the journey for your children.

In the fifth grade, I arrived for soccer practice one day to discover that my coach was actually throwing the soccer ball at my teammates’ heads in an effort to teach the skill of heading the ball. I was dismayed. Despite evidence to the contrary, I was convinced it would hurt! And I didn’t want to look stupid. What if the ball hit my face or I missed it all together? My fear was so strong it kept me from seeing that everyone was struggling to get it right. I walked off the field and told my mom I was not going back.

She let me quit.

My mom’s goal was my happiness and smoothing the seas of uncertainty and fear. Letting me quit was her way of achieving that goal. Unfortunately, it also left me without tools to navigate the choppy waters of my teen and young adult years.

Resist the urge to “fix” problems to give your children the opportunity to overcome setbacks. This leads to a strong sense of self-confidence in their ability to weather any storm.

It is natural for children and teens to shy away from a challenge out of a fear of failure. But when they give in to that fear, it leaves them convinced they are a failure. A sense of shame whispers, “You don’t have what it takes.”

Accepting a challenge gives them a chance to see the reality of their abilities and discover growth opportunities.

Letting your children quit a team because they are “no good” robs them of the chance to become good through perseverance. Worse still, it validates their conclusion and inadvertently sends the message that you agree that they do not have what it takes. Instead, your role is to encourage your children past their fear by giving them ideas to navigate the situation. For example, you could encourage your son to meet privately with the coach to determine what skills he lacks and help him get the practice needed to develop those skills.

If we are rescued from our failure we learn to be afraid of it, concluding, “Why else would we need rescuing if we could handle it on our own?”

Let them experience failure when they are under your roof and the stakes are small instead of alone, feeling exposed and confused without the tools needed to stay afloat.

Failure comes with natural consequences that are painful, but experiencing those consequences helps children avoid making the same mistake. If we remove the consequences to make things smoother for our children, we take away the lesson.

When I was in middle school, I got a purse. My mom kept saying, “Don’t forget your purse!” everywhere we went. Finally, she stopped saying it and sure enough I lost it. I was crushed at the disappearance of my Bonnie Bell lip gloss and my $7 savings.

Thankfully, my mom didn’t replace those items. From that day forward, I was much more mindful of keeping up with my stuff. The lesson came when I lost it, not with the repeated reminders. Experience will teach much more than words.

Share your failures so your children understand they are not the only ones who make mistakes.

Be mindful not to limit your sharing to the mistakes you made at their age. Our children need to know if we are currently living through the consequences of our mistakes. Many of us are embarrassed by the choices we made when we were younger. We don’t want to open ourselves up to judgment by our children. But how else will they understand that poor choices lead to real consequences?