arenting and homeschooling are journeys filled with unexpected twists and turns that can bring excitement, motivation, challenges, and loads and loads of stress. And, if we’re worried about all the ups and downs, imagine what our kids are feeling…

Stress is a natural part of life. It’s, quite simply, the body’s response to changes and challenges. Life is full of those things—even when you’re a kid! Most of the time, we think of stress as a bad thing caused by trauma, challenges, or hard things that happen. The truth is, though, that stress can be caused by good things as well. Upcoming events like a party, holiday, new activity, time with friends, or a new baby are exciting and good but can also cause stress.

People feel stress when they need to prepare or there’s something they need to adapt to, guard against, or look forward to. When something matters, a person feels stress. When there’s change coming—even a wanted or exciting change—a person feels stress.

As a homeschooling mom, it’s important to recognize that stress can be helpful to kids when it’s managed well and they have the right support in place. It can help kids rise to challenges, push themselves past any boundaries they may have inadvertently set for themselves, and develop resilience and inner strength in them.

Stress can be harmful, though, so it’s important to be aware. When stress goes on for a long time, becomes chronic, is intense, or becomes overwhelming, children and teens may have trouble coping. This can lead to negative mental and physical health. One of the toughest things about parenting our kids through stress is that, often, they don’t know that stress is what they’re feeling, so they don’t always come to us for support. Particularly with teenagers, it’s not common for them to ask directly for help in handling their stress. At times, they may not even be able to express what they’re feeling.

As a parent, you can’t stop stress from affecting your kiddos, no matter how much you want to protect them. But, you can help them start to recognize when stress is occurring now so they can learn to recognize it and eventually help themselves.

Signs of Stress in Kids and Teens

It’s important to remember that kids experience—and thus express—stress differently than adults do. Watch for some of these signs of stress in your children and teens:

• Emotional outbursts or heightened irritability. Stress can magnify feelings of anger and irritability. Your kiddos might have meltdowns or outbursts that are inconsistent with their normal behaviors and responses to situations.
• Sleep challenges. Stress and worry often surface during bedtime. Stressed children might struggle to fall asleep, stay asleep, or experience nightmares.
• Withdrawal. Stressed children and teens may want to be alone more than they normally do, and they may choose to avoid social situations altogether.
• Academic challenges. Noticeable changes in your children’s academic performance could point to stress. Stress affects their ability to concentrate, initiate tasks, and follow-through.
• Frequent illness. Stress prompts the release of cortisol, a hormone that can lead to stomachaches and headaches when children are anxious.
• Defiance. When under stress, children may feel overwhelmed or upset and attempt to escape uncomfortable situations or try to exert more control if they feel like they have none. This could manifest as defiant or stubborn behavior.

Remember that behavior is communication, and anything that seems out of the norm for your kiddo is something worth investigating. You know your kids best, so trust your gut when it tells you that something is wrong. Remember, too, that stress manifests itself differently from kid to kid and teen to teen—as well as being affected by their ages, personalities, and coping mechanisms. The key is to be attentive to sudden or significant changes from their typical behaviors.

When Behavior Challenges Spike as a Result of Stress

It’s important to remember that children often lack a sense of control in their lives. They’re told when to eat, sleep, behave, and learn. This lack of control can lead to instances of defiance as a way for them to assert themselves. Sometimes their defiance serves a purpose, such as seeking attention or attempting to achieve a desired outcome. Other times, they might be acting out due to stress, fatigue, or emotional overload.

Their brains are still developing, which can make it difficult for them to process the day’s experiences. So, their ability to respond emotionally outweighs their capacity for reasoned responses. Stress makes all this worse.

For homeschool parents who are with their children all day long, managing challenging behaviors due to stressed kiddos can be tiring. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Establish clear expectations. Children thrive on routines and well-defined expectations. Lay out examples of acceptable behaviors and let them know what is expected. Instead of saying, “Stop chewing with your mouth open,” try, “Please chew with your mouth closed.”
• Respond calmly. When children are stressed and their behaviors change, it’s natural for a parent to react emotionally. Instead, take a deep breath and calmly address the behavior. Maintain your composure and set clear expectations. Consistency is key. Validate their emotions and stick to your expectations.
• Choose your battles. If the behavior is more irritating than harmful, consider ignoring it. When your kiddos turn things around and show positive behavior, acknowledge and commend it. Praise is so important when our kids are feeling out of control in their world and are reacting. Help them feel safe and loved.
• Target a few behaviors. If you notice a few things your kids and teens consistently do when they’re stressed or overwhelmed, focus on helping them come up with alternative ways to deal with those specific challenges. Concentrating on specific behaviors leads to better and quicker results. Correcting every single concern can overwhelm children. A focused approach produces better outcomes.

Coping with Stress Together

You can’t get rid of stress completely for your kids or yourself, so it’s important to work together to identify triggers and come up with healthy coping mechanisms. There are so many ways you can integrate strategies into your homeschool day. Here are just a few:

• Establish consistent routines. Things change all the time for kids and teens, and they’re not always in charge of keeping the things that bring them the most comfort. At their core, children need stability. While everyone has a different rhythm and style to their parenting and homeschooling, and not all thrive with rigid schedules, you can implement daily routines to provide structure. It can be as simple as establishing new bedtime habits or having regular family meals.
• Find moments to connect. Intentionally start conversations during shared activities like cooking meals together or driving around doing errands. This encourages kids to open up about their feelings and experiences. Starting this early leads to deep connections that last into the teenage years when the stress increases. If you’re there for your kiddos when the worries are small, they’ll keep coming to you as the worries grow.
• Establish reengagement. After times of change, some kids might feel nervous about returning to their usual activities. Encourage them to revisit familiar or new activities when they’re uncertain. Support them by talking them through it or going with them if needed.
• Offer choices. Give children a sense of control by allowing them to make decisions within appropriate boundaries, like choosing meals or activities.
• Use humor. Laughter lightens the mood and reduces stress. Laugh with your children and teens.
• Engage in family play. Physical activity and shared playtime alleviates stress for both you and your children. Go on trips, take walks, swim together, have family game nights. Have fun with your kids!
• Promote healthy habits. Balanced diet and sufficient sleep are so important for your kids, teens, and your mental health. Make healthy habit building a priority.
• Practice deep breathing. Teach your children deep breathing techniques to manage stress and anxiety.

You can find other mindfulness and calming strategies like deep breathing in the card deck: The Anxiety Toolkit: 96 Ways to Help Your Child Calm Their Worries or at RaisingLifelongLearners.com. The key is to have lots of strategies at your fingertips before stress and worry take root.

Join me in The Learners Lab!

We are a community of parents with differently-wired kids—children and teens who are empathetic, sensitive, brilliant, intensely driven, ambitious, always moving, creative, and ready to take on the world. But they aren’t always easy. They need a different approach. In The Learner’s Lab, you’ll find both the resources and the support you need to help your children succeed and feel more connected as a family.